


Never Trust a Raven

by Ass_Gardiann



Category: X-Men (Movieverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Camping, Camping AU, Crack, Fluff, JUST, M/M, Modern AU, a lot of shit happened at bowling okay, accept it, also idk about bowling, but it happened, i don't know how we got to a 4k crack fic, i was fucking procrastinating a 2k word essay on a poem, idk - Freeform, just please, s/o to wikapedia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-17
Updated: 2016-11-17
Packaged: 2018-08-31 13:17:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8580046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ass_Gardiann/pseuds/Ass_Gardiann
Summary: Camping, teen AU. Raven loses a bet to Alex Summers, forcing the 'gang' to go camping. But don't worry, it's not as bad as bowling. Let's face it... nothing is as bad as bowling. Also shout out to Wikipedia.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened to my brain. i wrote this a year ago and I can't stop thinking about it. ALSO SPELLING!!! and grammar. Lol, who needs them?

"You know, we should go camping." Raven stated firmly, a hint of excitement edging her voice as she looked over the 'gang'.

"Or we couldn't? Why would someone sleep on rocks for the sake of it?" Erik scowled.

"Because we have two weeks left until the term starts, and we've been playing the same damn video game and watching the same movie over and over. Come on… it'll be great!"

The conversation that started it all. The horrible, horrible conversation. It had been a semi-nice day. Another day of 'Super Smash Bros' for the four of them. Well…. Three of them. Nobody trusted Charles with the game anymore, and he much preferred to prepare for studies anyway. For the moment, the telepath had set down his book, listening in to the conversation. Most likely because Erik had given him a 'side with me you idiot' look.

"You know, it's not that bad of an idea," Charles stated, as if on cue, resulting in a harsh glare from Erik for the comment. He brushed it off with a smile. Erik had been done with the lot of them since break had started, the teen had no idea how his flat had tuned into the meeting point anyway. Probably because it was the only one with a good gaming system. Or maybe because Charles Xavier was his flatmate.

"No, it's a terrible idea, have you two even been camping?" Erik countered, raising a doubtful eyebrow that seemed to go unnoticed.

"Well…" Charles began, getting cut off by Raven almost instantly.

"No, but that makes for an even better reason to go now!" She sounded too enthusiastic about the whole thing. "Hank wants to go." She stated with a pointed glare at the fourth.

"I… I actually never said that." He mumbled, setting down his controller with a sigh as he ran a hand through his hair.

"And yet you haven't denied it." She pressed, leaning toward him ever so slightly. "We have to."

"Technically we don't have t-"Hank started.

"Yes, yes we do. Raven did you really have to do that?" Charles sighed as Raven let out a hesitant laugh.

"Raven, what the hell did you do?" Erik asked, sending a stone cold glare straight through her. Raven stiffened slightly and Charles quickly set a hand on Erik's shoulder, as if in warning.

"I… I may have… urgh… lost a bet?" She stammered, looking down slightly.

"What sort of bet makes you go camping?" Hank asked, concern flaring his words.

"A bet with Alex Summers," Charles replied, his brow creasing slightly as he looked at Raven. Erik shrugged Charles' hand from his shoulder as he spoke annoyance seeping through him.

Raven lifted her gaze, sending the telepath a harsh glare, "Charles you promised to never-"

"Read your mind, I know. But it's a bit hard when you are shouting out to the world that you are guilty of going through a bet with Alex Summers. You could have at least consulted us first." He countered calmly, standing from the squashed couch and bookmarking his book.

With a sigh Erik turned off the console with a wave of his hand, which earned a small groan from Hank who had been winning the brawl.

"Fine." Erik agreed, also standing. "Camping. Whatever. But you're supplying everything. You know how broke the rest of us are." Hank nodded in somewhat agreement and Raven grinned.

"Yes!" her fist punched the air as she jumped up, pulling Erik into a hug that he really did not want. "Thank you!" She pretty much squealed, excitement pressing through her. Erik stiffened, trying to push her away as the others stifled laughs through drink that Charles must have been pouring. Erik gritted his teeth, sticking out his jaw as he sent a glare to Charles that only made the telepath lose it even more.

"Here, tomorrow. Pack everything you need! We're going camping!" She grinned, grabbing her bag and leaving the room as quickly as she had arrived.

Hank blinked, "You guys can't be serious." He blinked, taking a small sip of the water. "Oh god, you're serious. Raven? Camping?"

Charles raised an eyebrow as the mood in the room seemed to drop into the ground like the meteor that could have killed all the dinosaurs.

"Apparently, we don't have a choice." Erik growled, shooting a glare to Charles' as he swiped the drink from the protesting telepath's hands.

"Come on guys! How bad can it be?" Charles asked with a small pouting frown. Hank just shook his head.

"I suppose I've got to pack, I'll see you guys tomorrow." He sent them a wave and Erik turned away with a huff as Hank closed the door behind him. A wave of his hand and the door was locked.

"I can't believe I've agreed to this." Erik mumbled as he passed the now empty glass back to Charles.

"Oh, lighten up will you. Nothing can be as bad as that time we went bowling." Erik smirked at that, Charles was at least right on that point. Nothing could ever be as bad as bowling.

* * *

 

On second thought, Charles began to realize that 'how bad could it be?' was actually pretty bad. And they hadn't even reached the campsite yet.

First of all; Erik had woken him up at 4am. Because apparently everyone was here already, waiting for him to wake up. Which meant he had ten minutes in total to pack and eat before they hit the road.

Thanks Erik.

Secondly, it was apparently accustom for cars full of campers to sing songs as loudly and badly as they could all the way to the site. Raven had kicked it off. Hank had been somewhat reluctant to join in at first. But God, did he not shut up? Even fucking Erik was screaming along to the songs. Charles knew he hated the music, he didn't even know the words. It was definitely just to annoy the telepath. There was no other option. It had to be purely to annoy him. Camping seemed to become a worse and worse idea by the second. Charles made sure to get back at the metal man at some point on the trip.

Yeah, thanks Erik.

Thirdly; finding a campsite. You would think it would be easy? Find a grassy area. Plonk the tents. No. N.O. Erik seemed determined to make this hell. Not only was the campsite a three hour walk from the car (okay maybe he was exaggerating little), but it was also quite possibly the most rocky area that they could find.

Thanks Erik.

On the bright side there wasn't much to carry. Hardly anything to carry. Now he thought about it, it was sort of worrying how little there was to carry.

"Raven, are you sure you packed everything?" Hank asked, looking skeptically over the small bundle. Two things per person. Well, more like eight things for Erik. Each bag contained metal, so they had all voted that this transport was a lot faster than carrying it all.

Ha-ha Erik.

"I'm sure… I think." Raven replied with a nod. "Wait, how many tents did we need again?"

"…Four." Hank stated slowly.

"Well then... And how many blow up mattresses was it?"

"Also four…"

"Oh." There was a moment of collective groaning. "We have three tents!" she argued. "And three mattresses… I'm sure it will be fine." She waved a hand dismissively and it was Charles' turn to send her a death glare as he sat on one of the rocks, folding his arms without a word. No one dared to go near him as they unpacked the tents.

"So…. Sleeping arrangements huh?" Hank began, rubbing his hands together once the tents were all set up, and the mattresses all blown to maximum capacity.

"I'll sleep on the floor." Raven volunteered after a moment of silence.

"You will do no such thing." Charles argued, making it the first thing he had said in the past eight hours other than 'shut up'. Everyone looked at him and he glared back. "What?"

"Well it is kind of only fair that-"Erik began,

"No. Raven isn't sleeping on the rocks. Have you seen where you put her tent?" he asked, pointedly. They all fell silent for a moment.

"Fine but you're sharing with me then." Erik replied firmly.

"Fine." Charles stated with a nod, looking at Erik. There was a moment of awkward silence before Hank cleared his throat.

"Great, okay, who's hungry?" He asked.

"I thought you'd never ask." Erik replied, his eyes lingering on Charles for a moment before they all turned to Raven.

"Oh… about that…" She stammered a nervous laugh shaking her.

"Raven, what the hell have you done?" Charles asked, narrowing his eyes.

"Well… I didn't realize… I mean…. I hope you all like Red Vines and instant coffee."

"I can't do this." Charles whispered, standing up. He needed to clear his head. "Who the hell left Raven in charge of packing?" They all looked at Erik who raised his hands in protest.

"Hey, you didn't objection!"

"Yeah… You didn't object!" Raven pushed.

"Raven, I don't think you get a say in this conversation." Hank reminded her quietly.

"Oh… yeah…"

Charles sighed, moving to investigate the bags, "Please tell me you at least brought bug spray?" he asked, maybe a bit too hopeful.

Everything fell silent for a moment longer. In seconds Charles felt Erik's hand on his shoulder.

"Hey, at least it's not as bad as bowling." Charles nodded in agreement. Nothing was as bad as bowling.

* * *

 

Charles had decided to go for a walk. Alone. It seemed like a good idea at the time, and hey, Raven had at least remembered torches. Or maybe that was simply Hank. He was starting to doubt that Raven had remembered anything at this point.

It was dark, and the breeze was brisk. Crickets chirped through the silence as his footsteps crunched on rocks. He wasn't sure how long he had been walking. But he was sure as hell too tired to walk anymore. Way too tired.

He wanted to sleep. But to do that he had to find the tents and… hang on. Where the hell was he?

He looked around, blinking. Burnt trees surrounded him, spider webs clinging to their branches. Spiders slipping around. The moon seemed to be hidden by clouds that tempted the looked as if they were about to spill over.

His torch flickered dramatically and he cursed bad timing as he turned to face the direction he had come from.

Shit.

What was that?

Shit.

That wasn't good.

He had to get out of here.

The back of his neck prickled up as the first signs of snow started to slip from the sky. But it wasn't the cool touch of icy flakes that sent bumps up his arms. It was the sensation of something wrapping slowly around his legs. His eyes widened and without thinking he thrust the torch at the scaled animal, hitting its side in a wild act of violence. It fell to the floor and Charles dropped the now useless torch, running as fast as he could away. He was sure the snake was following him. He was positive.

"Erik!" He shouted. Erik was always the one to deal with the creatures that found their way into the apartment. He could feel the seemingly distant stir of alarm as he crashed through the trees, spider webs clinging to his arms. He felt like a mess. To be fair, he probably was a mess: a shaking mess.

"Hank!" he tried, picking up his pace as snow began to fall faster lining the ground in a crunch. He didn't even know if the snake was chasing him, he didn't want to find out.

Finally he reached the campsite, at which everyone was instantly on alert at his figure. He jumped behind Hank quickly, shaking. His knees felt weak, he didn't want to move. Apparently there wasn't anything chasing him however, and he spotted a rugged-up Raven in a fit of hysterics.

"Charles are you alright?" Hank asked kindly as he sank to the floor, trying to catch his shaking breath. "Erik, go get Charles a jacket." Hank ordered firmly. Erik obeyed, sinking back into their shared tent and riffling through his things.

"There isn't one." Erik replied from inside the tent. Hank frowned and so did Charles. He remembered packing a jacket or two. A cardigan at least.

"Oh… wait you needed those?" Raven asked with a hesitant laugh. Charles' glare was harsh as she fumbled with her hands. "Well they were taking up a lot of room so…"

"You threw them out…. In place of your guitar." Charles stated, looking as if he was going to kill her, his voice sounding as shaken as he felt.

"Maybe?"

Synchronized glares where shot her way and it wasn't until five minutes later that Erik emerged reluctantly from the tent with a turtleneck. Charles' legs had been buried by snow by this point. But he was too cold to notice. Hank had not stopped apologizing over the fact that he had only brought the one jacket for himself.

"Here." Erik grunted, throwing it to Charles. He didn't look pleased. Charles looked at him in blinking surprise. No one was allowed to touch Erik's turtlenecks, not even wash them, let alone wear them.

The surprise was quickly noticed and Erik rolled his eyes, as if trying to make the gesture off to be nothing. "It's too small anyway." He challenged.

Charles pulled it on quickly, warmth swelling through him. It was about four sizes too big. And he had to roll up the sleeves about five times to even try see his fingers. It did beg the question how this was 'too small' for the man before him, but he didn't argue.

Charles stood up slowly, "Thank you." He mumbled as he hugged himself.

"It's nothing." Erik replied, "I have nine more anyway."

Charles seemed to pale even more so, "Nine more?" Hank questioned. "And you didn't think to get rid of those, Raven?" he asked, giving her a look.

She hesitated, "Come on, you guys know Erik would have killed me." She countered holding up her hands.

"I'm going to bed." Charles muttered. He was too tired to get involved in a heated argument. Especially now.

Erik nodded in agreement, following him into the tent. Charles pushed himself into a far corner, straying as far from Erik as possible. He didn't want things to be more awkward between them than it already was.

He pulled the covers over him as much as possible, and he found Erik doing the same with his own blanket.

Erik was asleep in seconds. But Charles could hear the argument going on outside. He couldn't sleep with that racket.

Not to mention the fact that Erik seemed to have somehow stolen his blanket also.

…At least it wasn't as bad as bowling.

* * *

 

It's the second day of camping and Charles is not in the mood for anyone's bull shit. He woke up drenched from snow and rain, however he found himself covered by two thick blankets, and Erik was nowhere to be seen. It didn't t stop his shaking.

It took Charles half an hour to convince himself to leave the warmth of the tent, and when he stepped outside he was hit with a sudden chill that forced his jaw to tighten. Everyone was sitting on the snowy floor, cups of instant coffee in their hands, surrounding a pack of Red Vines.

God he hated camping.

"Morning." He mumbled, his usually cheery greeting a grumble after this whole affair. He hated camping. He hated it with a living passion. He would never do this again. Damn it Raven.

He got a swift reply of 'morning' from everyone, and Erik threw him a second turtleneck as he sat down, mumbling some excuse about how the other one made him look like a drenched rat. He felt like a drenched rat.

He tore off the jumper, sliding into the warmer, and bigger one, a sigh of relief escaping his lips. He reached for a Red Vine, not overly fond of coffee, and took a bite into the plastic licorice.

"This sucks." He muttered in disgust, receiving a nod of agreement from everyone except Raven.

"I'm going to find some real food." Hank informed them. Standing up. "Raven, what's your pin?"

"Hank, you can't steal my credit card!" She argued.

"Oops." Erik whispered, as the card floated into Hank's hand.

Raven stuck out her lip in a pout that was dismissed by literally everyone. Everyone was so done with Raven by this point that they couldn't care less about her pouting. Not even Charles, and that was saying something.

"It's, 1234." Charles stated, clearly as Raven sent him the finger.

"Thanks Charles." Hank nodded, sending them a wave before making his way for the car. He wouldn't be back for another 5 hours at least. Raven sighed.

"I'm going to go fishing." She announced.

"Raven, is there even anywhere you can go fishing here?" Erik asked, folding his arms in a 'you can't be serious' sort of way.

Raven stuck out her tongue before grabbing a fishing rod that was conveniently lying around and heading off to find some water.

Charles sighed, mumbling something inaudible before heading back into the tent, finding a pile of books he had brought and tearing them open.

' _In biology, a mutation is a permanent change of the nucleotide sequence of the genome of an organism, virus, or_ extra chromosomal _DNA or other genetic elements. Mutations result from damage to DNA which is not repaired or to RNA genomes (typically caused by radiation or chemical mutagens), errors in the process of replication, or from the insertion or deletion of segments of DNA by mobile genetic elements. [1][2][3] Mutations may or may not produce discernible changes in the observable characteristics (phenotype) of an organism. Mutations play a part in both normal and abnormal biological processes_ including: _evolution, cancer, and the development of the immune system, including junctional diversity.'_

It sounded an awful lot like something someone had literally copied and pasted from a Wikipedia page about mutation. The more he thought about it the more he realized it probably was. He read on.

_'Mutation can result in several different types of change in sequences. Mutations in genes can either have no effect, alter the product of a gene, or prevent the gene from functioning properly or completely. Mutations can also occur in non-genic regions. One study on genetic variations between different species of Drosophila suggests that-'_

"You can't be serious," Erik stated. He had apparently come into the tent while Charles had been reading. He took the book from Charles' hands, setting it down on the pile.

"WH-what?" he asked, almost offended at the thought that Erik had just stolen his textbook.

"We are camping, not reading, come on." He stood up, leaving the tent and expecting Charles to follow. He did so, hesitantly at first. When he got out of the tent he saw Erik had grabbed Raven's guitar.

"Erik do you even know how to play that thing?"

"Well… no, but there is no harm in trying."

Charles narrowed his eyes slightly as Erik twitched his hand, strumming some sort of chord without even going near the thing.

"Now that's showing off." Charles huffed, "Can I go back to reading now?"

"No." he argued, forcing Charles onto a rock-seat, and giving him the guitar.

"I can't play this, Erik." He protested, trying to pass it back, but it stayed firmly on his lap.

"Well then we'll just have to learn how to," Erik replied with a wicked grin.

"Raven is going to kill us." He mumbled.

Erik rolled his eyes, moving Charles' fingers on the strings until a semi-decent sound came out. It wasn't that great, and there was probably an easier way of doing it. An odd strum pattern later and a few chords ahead and the pair were playing fairly decent tunes. All original works of course. Charles wasn't that into new music and Erik wasn't exactly into anything that wasn't heavy metal or 'Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy'

A broken string or two may have occurred… Raven was possibly shouting them down as Erik perhaps tried to fix the guitar with little luck.

At least it wasn't as bad as bowling.

* * *

 

Charles woke up, and he wasn't too sure how, but he was now duct taped to a tree, his feet hanging about a meter from the ground. "What the…" he mumbled, blinking himself awake.

"I'm sorry Charles." Erik apologized. He was currently being threatened by Raven who seemed to be quite drunk and mad. Did Hank get back yet? Did he get alcohol? He couldn't remember a thing, but he knew he wanted to get down from this tree and at least try find out what was going on.

"Erik..?" he questioned, feeling quiet light headed as he squinted at the suns brightness, dew dripping from the end of his nose. How had this even happened? "Raven… why am I in a tree?" he asked, his brow furrowed as he tried to piece together fuzzy memories.

It was then he noticed Hank covered in super glue and leaves, unconscious on the floor. Seriously, what was going on?

"Erik…?" he questioned with a small groan, slipping back into an unconscious state as his mind recalled something about bowling.

Charles woke up again, the tree was still there, and he couldn't feel an inch of his body. He seemed to be getting constantly covered in water however. He blinked open his eyes only to get drenched again.

"Hang in there, Charles." Hank muttered, ripping of a layer of duct tape at a time. "Hang in there."

Erik must have been dealing with the water, but it didn't seem to be doing much except for drenching him. Maybe it was meant to help with the duct tape? It was probably meant to help with the duct tape. What was going on?

"Why… why am I in a tree?" Charles asked, closing his eyes as he was drenched with another bucket of water, before letting out a yell as Hank ripped off another layer of the duct tape.

"Truth or Dare." Erik explained with a mutter. "Some idiot dared you to be duct taped to a tree for three days."

"Raven…" he mumbled, not needing to see their nods to know he was right. He felt like he was going to puke. He probably was going to puke. He didn't have time to puke now. He let out another yelp as Hank mumbled apologies. "Three…. Three days?" he asked groggily before he was drenched again. He was going to be sick for weeks after this.

"Unfortunately so." Erik sighed, as Charles let out another shout.

An hour or two later and Charles fell from the tree, landing on the floor with an awkward thud. He didn't trust his limbs to move and he groaned. This was a bad idea. He didn't move for a moment, unsure that he was able to.

He lifted himself lightly, throwing up where he was with a groan. Hank looked disgusted, but pated his back comfortingly while Erik stood a few meters away.

He went to try stand, and Erik rushed forward, the two men taking his weight from him easily. He felt too light headed for this.

"Where is Raven?" he asked as they helped him to the car.

"God knows." Hank replied grimly. "We need to get you to a hospital." He mumbled. Charles chuckled, but it turned into more of a cough.

"Hey, at least this isn't as bad as bowling." Erik tried, sending Charles a small smile.

"Erik… nothing is as bad as bowling."

**Author's Note:**

> Okay but seriously I'm sorry. I don't think this turned out as funny as I found it while writing it last year. But also. Procrastination is the key to writing crack fics. In all seriousness, was it actually good? Let me know. Please. I'm starved for attention and my actually serious fics are not writing themselves.


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